CELEBRATING THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

​​I used to be big on celebrating birthdays.​  Perhaps, more extravagant than big! I would celebrate the whole week, go on holiday, and do something adventurous, ​fun, and exhilarating.  Celebrating life and the privilege of being healthy, and to be honest, surviving another year! ​For me, this is something worth celebrating! And I guess the fear of missing out plays its part...  I live with this constant fear of dying without trying.  There is still so much I want to do, and by reminding myself once a year what a wonderful gift it is to be alive and healthy, it creates the perfect opportunity for me to tick a few things off my bucket list. (Even though I like to call it something else. But hey - let's talk about that another time )   

This year, it felt like I aged a bit more than just the usual twelve months. My life changed in so many ways, so abruptly, and with no prior notice.​ For the first time, I did not feel like celebrating. For a mere moment, I thought something was wrong, perhaps an early midlife crisis!  Luckily for me, it was a false alarm!

What we tend to forget is ​that when life happens, you suppress so many emotions from all the hits you had to endure, that you go into survival mode.  There is no more living life to the fullest; you just survive. 

This year, I was reminded that ​i​t's okay​...  It's okay to take time and reflect.  It's okay not to be over the top.  It's okay to stop worrying about other people and what they think.  It's okay to listen to your heart and take care of yourself​ first.​  It's okay to say you are not okay.  But you have to say it, you have to feel it, and you have to fix it.  What is not okay is to continue covering up these emotions and events that caused you to end up here.  You have to deal with it.  So, it turned out that I only needed to take a step back this year. ​ ​I needed to realise that it is okay for me not to live at full speed right now. 

Sometimes, you really need to just breathe, take it slow and steady, and like any training or major operations, recovery is the most important thing you can ever do. After everything I went through the past couple of months, I never took time to recover, and it was starting to show.  

I ​w​as forced to do something totally contradictory to what I had been doing the previous years.

This past year has been marked by some deep losses. I said goodbye to my brother, who passed very suddenly. I had to let go of a love I thought would not only last, but for the first time, I thought was meant for me​ , and then I had to pack up my life, the only life I knew for the past ​d​ecade, and start over in a new city, combined with many, many uncertainties​.

Grief, change, and heartbreak have the ability to ​change and reshape you, not just emotionally but spiritually too. And while the weight of it all still lingers, this birthday feels like a quiet turning point in my life.​   This year, I was forced to choose a new perspective ~ one rooted in healing, gratitude, simplicity, and the slow but powerful rebuilding of hope.

For me, it became time to stop surviving and start living with intention​ again.

I don't know what next year will ​bring, I might end up on top of a mountain again... or do something daring. I don't know.  But for now, I am glad that I took the time to listen to my heart. To adjust and to reset.​ I have to give myself time to heal.  

We always want to change things, ourselves, our situations, but we rarely ever do.  

This year, my prayer is that I persist in doing so, that I continue to change my life for the bette​r without being forced to do so by circumstances.  Taking care of your body is easy, but I neglected my heart and mind. 

I don't want to brace for impact​ anymore; I want to embrace the impact. 

Here's to celebrating the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Happy Birthday to me.